“If I parent correctly, my children will turn out right.”
written by Gretchen Fant
You would probably never say it, and you know in your mind it’s not true. But somehow, when you see a child go astray, you still think it: What did the parents do to cause this?
Or maybe it’s your own children. They have not made the right choices, and you have been beating yourself up: Where did I go wrong?
God Himself was the perfect parent. His children were righteous and holy like Him. He never sinned against them and provided everything they could ever need for their lives. But they still rebelled against Him.
You are not perfect, and your children were born sinners just like everyone else since Adam (except Jesus, of course!). “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). But your shortcomings don’t determine your children’s choices. Your parents didn’t make you do wrong, and you don’t cause your children to do wrong either.
Does the Way I Parent Even Matter?
So why should you even be concerned with biblical parenting? Does it make a difference? Absolutely it does! Learning what God says about parenting trains you not to be a hindrance to your children. If you don’t understand how to parent biblically, you will act and react in ways that could be an obstacle to your children’s growth and your relationship with them. You can’t make your children sin, but you can allow an atmosphere in your home that tempts them to react in sinful ways. Ephesians 6:4, though directed to fathers, applies to all parents: “Do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
Unfortunately, though, there is no such thing as a foolproof system that will guarantee success with your children. Children are not robots; they make their own choices that often don’t look exactly like what you would choose for them.
Perhaps these suggestions will help you parent from a biblical perspective:
5 Habits to Cultivate in Biblical Parenting
Cultivate love and friendship in the home.
The Bible commands us to love one another (1 John 4:11, and many other verses). But did you know that in families we are also supposed to like one another? Titus 2:4 challenges the older women to instruct the younger to love their husbands and children. This word for love in Titus 2:4 is actually different than the love in 1 John 4:11; it is more along the lines of like— a tender, family affection. Do you like your children? Is your home characterized by tender, family affection?
Value the husband/wife relationship over the parent/child relationship.
If you are married, you have made a covenant with your spouse, not your children. She is your companion and wife by covenant (Malachi 2:14). Forming a more intimate relationship with your child than with your spouse actually promotes insecurity in the child, as children derive comfort and security in knowing that their parents’ relationship is primary. Neglecting the relationship with your spouse and living as if the parent-child relationship is paramount is harmful to everyone in the family.
Don’t apologize for being the parent.
You are not your child’s buddy, and if you act like you are, the results will not be good. Your child needs your loving authority for guidance and protection. Buddies don’t provide that, but parents should.
Parent from alongside, not above.
Children do need loving authority, but you can be authoritative without being authoritarian. An authoritarian has a heavy-handed “I’m the boss” attitude, and I have yet to meet anyone who responds well to that. In contrast, our children need to understand that we are fellow strugglers with them in this world. As your children mature, don’t hesitate to let them know that you have problems too; in fact, you may not want to obey your authorities anymore than they do. Just as the Holy Spirit comes alongside you to help you grow, biblical parents should come alongside their children to guide and instruct.
When you mess up, ask forgiveness.
They know you’re not perfect anyway, and they don’t expect you to be. Acknowledging your faults to your children and asking their forgiveness increases their respect for you and strengthens your relationship with them.
You will not parent flawlessly, and even if you could, your children would still make wrong choices in life. Make it a priority to understand biblical family relationships, and humbly ask your perfect parent, God Himself, for wisdom.
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously without reproach, and it will be given him (James 1:5).
Gretchen Fant is the wife of Dr. Marshall Fant, III, the Director of Church Consulting with Gospel Fellowship Association in Greenville, SC. She has a BA in French from the College of Charleston in Charleston, SC and her Master’s degree in Education from the University of South Carolina in Columbia, SC. Gretchen is a certified counselor with the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC). She serves in the counseling ministry of University Baptist Church in Clemson, SC and on the board of the Piedmont Women’s Center in Greenville, SC.
The Fants have five children and ten grandchildren.
This post is part of the Lies Moms Believe series.
To read all the posts in this series, click here!