Have you ever seen a married couple that appears to be committed to their marriage but at the same time, they want nothing to do with their spouse?

The newness of marriage has long worn off and the distractions of life have settled in. While the marriage might appear pretty sturdy and in no foreseeable danger of dissolving, they look like a couple of people living in the same house rather than a couple pursuing each other in love.

But have you ever seen an older married couple who is still happily married? Maybe you see their joy as they laugh with each other or hold hands even during stressful moments. How can they continue in their marriage over decades and still happily enjoy each other’s company?

There’s a secret to being friends with your spouse, but it’s not glamorous.

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The sweet fruit of friendship with your spouse only comes after the difficult work of conflict resolution. 

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The sooner the better.
The earlier, the easier.

It’s difficult, maybe even impossible, to enjoy a close friendship with someone when there are unresolved conflicts below the surface. You can’t laugh with someone when there’s a big conflict in both of your minds. Spending time alone with each other is not enjoyable.

Once you make room in your marriage for unresolved conflicts—the sort of attitude that responds with a “We’ve learned to never talk about that topic”—you create distance between you and your spouse. 

It’s a tricky thing, because, on the surface, it may seem like you’ve created peace. Now that you’ve agreed that the unresolved topic is off-limits, you don’t argue about it anymore. Yahoo! Cue the celebration! 

But it’s a false peace. While the arguments may decrease, the underlying tension remains. Making space for one unresolved conflict makes it that much easier to slide a few more unresolved conflicts under the rug.

On the contrary, when you do the hard work of getting the water out from under the bridge, patiently and lovingly talking through disagreements, hurt feelings, and unkind words, you clear the air for a loving relationship that’s not built solely on a marriage commitment you made so many years ago, but on the marriage commitment you’re making today—hour after hour and day after day.

The more you value a relationship, the greater your commitment to resolve conflicts.

I freely admit it: my husband is much better at this than I am. I hate working through conflicts; the whole thing is exhausting. And I tend to plunge myself into despair after the tiring event, claiming that our marriage is headed for the pits. But he so patiently reminds me of this: the fact that we take time to work through conflicts proves our commitment to the relationship.

If you aren’t committed to a relationship, you can just quietly pull back, “unfriend” or “unfollow,” and move on with your life. But the more you value a relationship, the more committed you will be to resolve conflicts.

A happy marriage can only be achieved when both spouses are persistent in resolving conflicts. The sooner the better. The earlier, the easier. It is difficult, if not impossible, to be friends with someone when there are unresolved differences below the surface. Resolve to work through conflicts with your spouse in a loving, patient, persistent way so that you will have a union that reflects the relationship between Christ and his church.