This morning, I did something I never do; I read through parts of my journal.

It all started because this is my kids’ last week of school, and I wanted to write out some goals for the summer (because what kid doesn’t love structured goals during summer break?). I decided to search my online journal for the word “summer” and adapt goals I’ve made in the past, thus eliminating the need to start from scratch. My search was successful, and I found summer goals from years past. But I also found something else.

I found struggles I’d written about years ago that sounded oddly familiar. Insecurities, pride, and anxieties over current and upcoming situations. Uncertainty about whether I was doing the right thing with my time and schedule. Fears about my children growing up and going to school. Worries about the summer starting, the summer ending, school year challenges, difficult seasons in church, my husband’s calling as a pastor, and feelings of being worn thin and discouraged by life and sin.

Reading the entries made me laugh and cry. I cried because poor little 5-years-ago me, struggling in 2020 when the whole literal world was going through a crisis. No wonder I was wrestling with things; we all were. And I laughed because of things like this ending to an entry dated March 2020:

“How old do you have to be to have a mid-life crisis?
Asking for a friend.”

I mean, it’s just hard not to see a bit of humor amidst the struggle.

Conclusive Evidence

But my biggest takeaway was not the struggles from yesteryear or the resemblance to struggles of today. My greatest conclusion was that the Lord carried me through those years. The thread of similarity wasn’t just my struggles; it was his faithfulness. Gracious, I can’t even write those words out without tearing up.

Despite all my insecurities, anxieties, and discouragement, the Lord led me. Just held my hand the whole time and never let me go. He’s so gentle and kind, just like he says he is. ”He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young” (Isaiah 40:11).

My faith is not in _______ (insert any word you want; all of them apply). My faith is in my Shepherd, and I know it’s not misplaced. He has gently led me, carried me, and held my hand. And he will continue to do it.

“Jesus led me all the way
Led me step by step each day
I will tell the saints and angels
As I lay my burdens down
Jesus led me all the way”

—John W. Peterson¹

1. John W. Peterson, Jesus Led Me All the Way, John W. Peterson Music Company, 1954.
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