My son/daughter just moved out of the home: Now My Life is Over.
written by Gretchen Fant

Children grow up. It’s a fact. But for some reason, when my children were young, my mindset was that I would always have them at home.  I didn’t really believe that, but I just couldn’t grasp the reality that they were mine to nurture and train for only a very short period of time. Then a friend told me something I already knew, but for some reason this time it clicked: with each one of my children, all I had was eighteen summers. 

You only have eighteen summers with your kids, too.  That’s pretty much it. Some will stick around a little longer, but not most. It’s not that they won’t ever come home after eighteen summers, but when they do it’s just different: they will have jobs and commitments that keep them away from the home and prepare them for lives that are independent of yours.  

Is that depressing to you? It shouldn’t be. Our children don’t really “belong” to us; they are God’s people that He has created for Himself and entrusted us for a short time.

For you [God] created all things
And by Your will they existed and were created (Revelation 4:11).

The authority relationship with your children is temporary. You will always be their parent, and they should always honor you as such. But honoring you does not necessarily include talking with you every day and involving you in all of their life decisions (unless they choose to). Some will keep in touch often; some will not. As children grow to be young adults, your relationship shifts to more of an advisory role.  Some young adults recognize their need for advice more than others. For the most part, the parent advisor offers counsel only when asked.

On the other hand, the covenant with your husband is permanent—at least on this side of Heaven: What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate. (Matthew 19:6).  That’s the reason you need to cultivate your relationship even through the child-rearing years when it is tempting for many moms to focus on the children and put the marriage relationship on hold.

When your children grow into young adults (and they will!) perhaps it would be helpful to keep these thoughts in mind:

Marriage before Kids

You are one flesh with your husband, not your children. Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)

Tears are Normal

Change is painful; it is ok to shed some tears. When children become young adults, everyone in the family enters a new season. For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven (Eccl. 3:1).

Move Forward with Grace

Don’t long for the previous years of your life. The season of having adult children can be fantastic unless you resist moving into it with God’s grace. My grace is sufficient for you (2 Cor 12:9).

Rest in God’s Plan

Don’t mourn; celebrate! Your new season is God’s plan. The emptiness you feel is not due to a lost relationship, but rather, it is due to a maturing relationship.

Eighteen summers: That’s pretty much all you have.  Embrace it as God’s good plan. During these eighteen years be sure to keep first things first: nurture the covenant of friendship with your husband. Then move into the changing relationships with your children with great hope.

Gretchen Fant is the wife of Dr. Marshall Fant, III, the Director of Church Consulting with Gospel Fellowship Association in Greenville, SC. She has a BA in French from the College of Charleston in Charleston, SC and her Master’s degree in Education from the University of South Carolina in Columbia, SC. Gretchen is a certified counselor with the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC). She serves in the counseling ministry of University Baptist Church in Clemson, SC and on the board of the Piedmont Women’s Center in Greenville, SC.

The Fants have five children and ten grandchildren.

Gretchen’s other posts on Brown Sugar Toast:

My Child is the Best
Dwelling Richly Interview

This post is part of the Lies Moms Believe series.
To read all the posts in this series, click here!