My Child Owes Me: The Lie of the Mortgagee Mom
written by Denise Cunningham
I could hardly believe the story as it was told to me! It seems that a family had adopted and raised a boy into manhood. The parents had provided the average things a family would offer a child—a home, food, and a family. No one knew that all along the way, the parents were keeping a mental note of all their acts so that in the future, they could “cash in” on them. They felt their boy should be beholden to them for all they had done for him.
One night while this now grown son was sleeping at his house, his parents came over, opened the garage door, took his possessions, and threw them into their awaiting car. Hearing a noise outside, the young man went to inquire about what they were doing. Their response was, “You owe us!” They felt entitled to their thievery because of the mental tally they had kept over the years!
As moms, we might read that account and gasp at its forwardness and lack of love and servanthood, but I’m afraid that we can be guilty of “throwing the garage door up” and making demands without ever setting a tool or lawn chair into the back of our open trunk. I call it being a “Mortgagee Mom.”
To mortgage something means to place under advance obligation. In this case, a mom places their child under obligation simply because she is the mother. Why do we need to guard our hearts against such an attitude both now and as our children age? Because it is not the attitude or will of our Heavenly Father, and should never be ours either.
Some ways in which you and I might be tempted to follow the example of these predatory parents at the beginning of this post could be as follows. We can become “Mortgagee Moms” when we:
Withhold Love
We withhold love from a child because they’ve sinned against us. We fail to extend our open arms and tender forgiveness even before they ask. This is the kind of love God has towards us. Romans 5:8 While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Love first.
Show Favoritism
We show favoritism towards a child that is more like us. Remember Jacob and Rebekah each showing favoritism towards one of their twin sons (Genesis 27)? It brought division and hardship into their family! Love the same. Love much.
Make Demands
We make demands on our children in our home and precede it with the words, “Áfter all I’ve done for you, the least you can do is _________ (clean up your room, respect me, be thankful, obey me, etc.). God doesn’t love us because of what we do, but simply because of who He is. A child should never feel like they need to “do” something to earn our love. Love unconditionally.
Wrongly Expect
We put expectations on our grown children who have left the home. I think this one may be the most common, and perhaps the most difficult! These are lofty thoughts that we dream about when our children are growing up—things like them coming home to spend every holiday with us, calling us on Mother’s Day, sending cards on our birthday, and spending vacations with us—all because they love us so much.
When these expectations don’t happen, moms can become embittered towards sons or daughters-in-law, or even their own children. But wait! If we love them as God loves us, we will love them unconditionally (no expectations) and always. We will want them to be faithful to their own family and mostly, faithful to God’s commands to leave and cleave. They will never be able to cleave to their spouse if we’re still clinging to them.
Moms, you and I must let go. We can remember with fondness the days when our children were home, but when it’s time for them to go, we need to love them enough to not only cut the apron strings—we need to take the apron off and allow them to begin a home of their own.
“See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God” (I John 3:1). To behold God’s love is to consider it; to think about it, ponder its wonder and then mimic that kind of love to others. To love like our heavenly Father loves, we must:
Love first
“We love because He first loved us” (John 4:19).
Love much
By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers (1 John 3:16).
Love unconditionally
For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast (Ephesians 2:8-9).
Love always
I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you (Jeremiah 31:3).
Let’s not believe the lie that our children owe us anything, but instead, let’s seek to love them with the rich, deep love of God—love first, love much, love unconditionally and love always!
“A small servant of a great God” is how Denise Cunningham describes herself. She has had the joy of speaking at ladies’ events across the country, teaching from her burden to help women apply God’s Word to their everyday lives. Her blog, RefreshHer, started in 2008, has given her another outlet to reach out to women. She and her husband Dale love serving the Lord at their church in Johnson City, TN, speaking to couples about marriage, and taking the scenic route. Their three daughters, two great sons-in-law and twin grandsons fill their family tree and their hearts.
You can connect with Denise on her blog and Instagram.
This post is part of the Lies Moms Believe series.
To read all the posts in this series, click here!