My Child is the Best
written by Gretchen Fant

“I must boost my child’s self-image by making sure he believes he is the best in whatever he does.”

Parents want their children to succeed; it’s just part of being a good, loving parent.  We want them to be well-rounded, well-educated, skilled, and accepted by their peers. There’s nothing wrong with wanting our children to excel in life. Life is hard, and as good parents, it’s natural to want our children to come out on top. What kind of parent wouldn’t root for his child to be the winner?

When our children were younger, we spent hours on the soccer, baseball and football fields, as well as the basketball court. We screamed and cheered for our teams—some were really good; others not so much. But after years of participating in sports, I realized an important truth: it was just as good for my children to lose as it was to win.

Why? Because they need to learn how to succeed and how to fail. They are not always the best, and they need to learn how to graciously accept that fact and to persevere in spite of obstacles or personal weakness.

Parents must be encouragers, not ego boosters. They should strive to help their children develop a realistic view of themselves. The Apostle Paul admonished believers to think on “whatever is true” (Philippians 4:8).  In Romans 12:6-8, he describes the variety of spiritual gifts given to the body of Christ. Interestingly, in verse 3 he introduces this passage on gifts with “I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment.” In view of these passages, shouldn’t parents encourage their children to think realistically about their weaknesses as well as their strengths?

Encouragement & Flattery: What’s the Difference?

Be sure not to confuse encouragement with flattery.

Flattery can be defined as “insincere or excessive praise.” Encouragement builds up: “Therefore, encourage one another and build one another up” (1 Thess 5:11).

But flattery can ultimately ruin a person: “A flattering mouth works ruin” (Proverbs 26:28). Flattery can masquerade as encouragement and can even offer confidence to a child in the short-term. But in reality, flattery is a trap: “A man who flatters his neighbor [or child] spreads a net for his feet” (Proverbs 29:5). Flattery can trap people by making them think they are something they are not and may set them up for pride, anger and even despair.

Eventually, children grow up, and those who have been told they are the best in everything will quickly discover that they have been lied to; they are not really “the best” at many things at all.  Or, they may continue to believe that they are “the best,” and are angry that everyone else doesn’t recognize just how good they are. Children with an inflated self-image will be angry because life just doesn’t treat them right; they are unnoticed and unappreciated.  They may go through life being certain that everyone is “doing them wrong.”

So how can parents be sure to encourage, not flatter, their children? Here are four ways:

Be Transparent

Let your children know how you struggled as a child and even continue to struggle with the fact that in this life there are many people who are smarter, stronger, and more successful than you are.

Warn

Children need to know that they will not always be “the best,” and God has planned it that way. But when they do well, they need to thank the God Who gifted them and be cautious about becoming prideful. “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18).  

Instruct

Be sure to teach your children what really matters in God’s eyes. Being “the best” in this world is not what is important.  He is concerned with a heart and life that is serving Him in humility and being conformed to Jesus. In fact, sometimes God allows disappointment to teach us that this world is not our home.  The absolute “best” is to live a life that is pleasing to God. “We make it our aim to please Him” (2 Cor 5:9).

Encourage

Well-intentioned parents who flatter their children could actually be sabotaging their very efforts to help them succeed. Assure your children that even though they may not be the best student, athlete, or natural leader, they are the most loved by you and, even more importantly, by the God of Heaven. “I [God] have loved you with an everlasting love” (Jeremiah 31:3). Thankfully, God’s love is not conditional upon performance. Let’s imitate our God, the “God of encouragement” (Romans 15:5) by inspiring our children to develop a realistic view of themselves while doing their best in this life.

Gretchen Fant is the wife of Dr. Marshall Fant, III, the Director of Church Consulting with Gospel Fellowship Association in Greenville, SC. She has a BA in French from the College of Charleston in Charleston, SC and her Master’s degree in Education from the University of South Carolina in Columbia, SC. Gretchen is a certified counselor with the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC). She serves in the counseling ministry of University Baptist Church in Clemson, SC and on the board of the Piedmont Women’s Center in Greenville, SC.

The Fants have five children and ten grandchildren.

This post is part of the Lies Moms Believe series.
To read all the posts in this series, click here!