“I Have to Resolve My Child’s Conflicts.”
written by Gretchen Fant

 

What do you do when your child gets in an argument with their sibling?
Maybe they tell you that everyone is mean to them.
Or (my personal favorite) they say they would have done better in school but the teacher doesn’t like them?

What is your natural reaction? Do you attempt to resolve all their conflicts and fix their problems?
Here are a few principles on helping your child become a Biblical peacemaker. 

DON’T DO WHAT COMES NATURALLY. INSTEAD, TEACH.

Living biblically in this world often demands that you fight against your natural inclinations, and child-rearing is no exception to this rule.  That is one reason there are thousands of books on the subject! It is natural to want to give your children whatever they want, to try to be their buddy (instead of their parent) and do a number of other things that seem natural and healthy at the moment but can yield disastrous results. Christian parents are called to disciple their children. The most important role of the discipler is to teach and train, not to rescue. If taught and encouraged, children are very capable of working out their own personal conflicts.

IMITATE GOD

Ephesians 5:1 tells us to be imitators of God. Our Heavenly Father doesn’t protect us from all difficulty in life. He allows us to face consequences for our actions. He doesn’t give us everything we want and doesn’t make sure everything in our life is fair. He expects us to learn to work through our personal conflicts with His help.

Do you imitate God in your parenting?

TEACH THEM TO RESPOND BIBLICALLY

My wise mother (who had six children) used to say, “Every child needs a little bit of healthy neglect.”

To the modern mother, this may sound outlandish because “neglect” carries so many negative connotations.  But the idea behind this is simple: as children mature, they need to learn to work through their own conflicts.  This is not to say you should never intervene. But your intercession on their behalf should be rare, and when necessary it must be for the purpose of teaching them how to respond biblically even when life is not fair.  

The apostle Peter gives us a beautiful pattern in Jesus’ response to unfair treatment: “He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:22-23).

Perhaps you can recall a childhood friend who, when he was unjustly treated (from his perspective), called for his “Rescue Mother” who appeared and put everyone in their place—everyone except her child, of course.  That child undoubtedly lost friends and missed an excellent opportunity to grow in his people skills.

 

THE FAMILY: THE PERFECT TRAINING GROUND

The family serves as a perfect training ground for learning peacemaking skills.  Children pick their friends and often choose friends that are similar to them. But in a family, God puts together different people who might not ever have had anything to do with each other if they were not related. Typically, instead of working out their own problems, children love getting mom involved in every dispute. Siblings provide endless opportunities for trouble, and they find great satisfaction in seeing mom swoop in to save the day! When mom regularly comes to the rescue, children don’t grow through conflict. Rather than argue the point, let me illustrate.

During her first semester of college, my daughter called to chat and remarked that she had a roommate that was having a very hard time getting along with her peers and adjusting to life in the dormitory.  After describing the poor girl’s struggles, she concluded, “Mom, I think her main problem is that when she was growing up she never had anyone to bug her.” Clearly, growing up as the eldest of five children was challenging at times, but having to work through personal difficulties ultimately served as an advantage and helped my daughter mature.

I have three sons who are all very different in gifting and personality. When my oldest went to college he ended up with a very strange roommate one semester.  One of my son’s friends asked him how he was able to live with such a peculiar guy, to which my son replied, “You just don’t know who I grew up with.” Evidently, the challenge of growing up with two brothers who were close in age served my son well and helped him to get along with even the most annoying individuals.

The parent of an only child normally has to work harder to make sure they don’t grow up with the attitude of “I am the center of the universe, and people are here to serve me.” We all come into this world naturally self-centered. A large part of family life and parental discipleship fights against that self-centeredness by helping children to consider others as more important than themselves. “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.  Let each of you look not only to his own interests but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:3-4)

 

BIBLICAL PEACEMAKING TRUTHS

What are some biblical truths that can guide children in solving their interpersonal conflicts?

Perhaps these few will help:

 

Life is not fair.

Jesus showed us how to act when someone is mean to us (1 Peter 2:22-23). Even though He had no sin, He died for even the sinful people who killed Him. “He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree . . . by his wounds you have been healed.” How fair is that?

 

If someone sins against you, that doesn’t mean you are justified to sin back. 

In fact, when you don’t sin back, you are acting like Jesus! No matter what someone has done to you, you are responsible for how you respond.  

 

When you find yourself in conflict with someone, ask yourself: what have I done to contribute to this conflict?

Jesus said, “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3).

 

When you do sin against someone, you must ask forgiveness. 

Don’t just say “I’m sorry.”
Instead, 1) tell them what you did wrong,
2) tell them how sorry you are and what you will do the next time, and
3) ask for their forgiveness.

 

Winning an argument or getting your way is not what is most important.

Your goal should be to please God by acting like Jesus. “We make it our aim to please Him” (2 Corinthians 5:9).

Disciplers don’t right all wrongs and fix all problems. In fact, attempting to fix your children’s personal conflicts may actually hinder, not help, their growth. God has not called you to resolve all conflicts for your children, but to teach them to live peaceably in this unpeaceful world. “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Romans 12:18). 

 

CAUTION: KEEP THE DOOR OPEN.

As a caution, please teach your child that if someone says, “Don’t tell anyone about this,” that really means they need to tell you right away. You need to have frank, age-appropriate discussions with them so they understand when to work things out on their own and when they need help. They must know there is an open door if they ever get into a situation that makes them uncomfortable. We always want to assure our children that we are there to protect and help them through situations they cannot handle. 

  

For an excellent guide on biblical peacemaking,
check out Ken Sande’s The Peacemaker
and Corlette Sande’s The Young Peacemaker.

 

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Gretchen Fant is the wife of Dr. Marshall Fant, III, the Director of Church Consulting with Gospel Fellowship Association in Greenville, SC. She has a BA in French from the College of Charleston in Charleston, SC and her Master’s degree in Education from the University of South Carolina in Columbia, SC. Gretchen is a certified counselor with the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC). She serves in the counseling ministry of University Baptist Church in Clemson, SC and on the board of the Piedmont Women’s Center in Greenville, SC.

The Fants have five children and ten grandchildren.

 

 

 

 

 

This post is part of the Lies Moms Believe series.
To read all the posts in this series, click here!