“I Don’t Have Time to Serve My Husband”
written by Lauren Washer

Without saying a word I can quickly communicate to my husband that all of my energy is spent and there’s nothing left for him.  A subtle sideways glance, rolling my eyes when he compliments me, turning my back to him when getting undressed at night, or pretending to be asleep seconds after I hit the pillow are all ways I inwardly groan,

Please, don’t need me to be your wife right now.  

As wives and mothers, our days are long, we’re weary from the never-ending pressure of caring for children and all the logistical challenges that come with raising a family and managing a household.  By the time our husbands walk in the door, often the last thing on our mind is how to practically love and serve him. Instead, we’re scheming a way of escape in order to refuel our mind, body, and soul for the next day.  

But what do we communicate to our husbands when we fail to initiate love, turn our backs, ignore, or push them away?  

Our husbands may know we love them, and we want to meet their needs. But when we continuously exhaust all our energy on our children, they can begin to feel unimportant, unwanted, and disregarded.  A lack of intention and thoughtfulness toward them can communicate we think they’ll manage just fine if we set them aside while tending to the urgency of the moment. Prioritizing both feels impossible, so we focus on motherhood and figure we’ll pick up the pieces of our marriage when the intense years of parenting are over.

If we believe the lie that there’s no energy left to love our husbands, we’re failing to believe in God’s sustaining strength. God calls us to love our husbands and love our children.  He doesn’t offer a caveat of when or for how long.  It’s always both (Titus 2:4). If this is God’s design for women who are married with children, then we can be confident he will equip and sustain us, no matter how exhausted we are.  

Depleted but Never Empty

The book of 1 Kings tells a story about a widow, who was called to care for the prophet Elijah during a time of famine and drought.  When she had reached her lowest point — physically and emotionally — Elijah asked her to bring him some water and bread. She woefully informed him of her dire situation:

“I have nothing baked, only a handful of flour in a jar and a little oil in a jug.  And now I am gathering a couple of sticks that I may go in and prepare it for myself and my son, that we may eat it and die” (1 Kings 17:12).

She was convinced this would be their last meal.  But Elijah told her instead to bake bread for him first, then she could feed herself and her son.  He promised God would provide for all three of them. Even in her depleted condition, the widow trusted God’s word and walked in obedience to Elijah’s instructions.  As a result, she had the privilege of experiencing God’s provision, through flour and oil that never ran out. God never withheld from the widow what she needed in order to fulfill his calling on her life.  He provided continuously (1 Kings 17:13-16).

In a similar way, God gives us everything we need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3). Not just a little bit, not just bursts here and there.  He works in us to do all that he’s designed for our lives, for his good purpose (Ephesians 2:10).

If marriage is meant to be a reflection of Christ’s relationship with the church (Ephesians 5:22-4-32), then we can be confident God will equip us to portray him well.  We aren’t promised an easy task. Just as the church will face trials and persecutions, so will marriage. No matter how exhausting the difficulty, we can face it believing God will use it for his glory, and our good (Romans 8:28-29).  When we feel like there’s nothing left to give, God will strengthen us, and produce in us the steadfastness he desires in his people (James 1:3).

Cracked but Always Useful

In 2 Corinthians 4, Paul provides a helpful analogy by referring to Christians as jars of clay.  A clay jar is fragile, cracks easily, and will eventually waste away. As Moms, we are well acquainted with this type of physical fragility.  We experience it in childbirth, we feel it in the middle of the night wake-up calls from children, we pray through it as we watch our children gain independence, and we fight against it throughout the day as we struggle to keep our eyes open until bedtime.  

Our cracks are obvious.

Sometimes the physical limitations make us feel like we don’t have the energy we need to get to the end of the day without grumbling, complaining, ignoring the ones we’re meant to love, or falling into a heap on the couch.  As we accept our brokenness — we’re physically wasting away — we’re able to delight in the beauty of God within us — we’re spiritually being renewed day by day.

Our cracks reveal God’s glory.

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us” (2 Corinthians 4:7).

When we feel like there’s nothing left to give, we must cling to Christ’s power.  When we feel as desperate as the widow, we can tell our husbands the extent of our struggle and pray together about how to love one another well.

As we trust God to provide what we need to live out the calling he’s given, we can face our husband’s needs with joy, not despair.  We’ll be able to look back at the end of a day, a week, or a challenging season of life, and proclaim God’s faithfulness. We will be changed and God will get the glory.

Practical Suggestions for the Overwhelmed Wife:

1. Pray for your husband.  Through this simple practice of dependency upon the Lord in your marriage, you might be surprised by the change in your attitude toward meeting his needs.
2. Tell your husband how exhausted you are.  Let him help you evaluate your daily tasks, and work together to see if there are things you can eliminate or ways you can share the load differently.
3. Ask your husband to name his expectations.  Some of your frustration could be solved through a simple conversation, especially if his needs are different than what you assumed.  I’ve also started adding, “On a scale of 1-10, how important is this to you?” Then, I’m able to prioritize his needs and realistically move toward meeting them.