Have you ever struggled so much in a relationship that you felt like you didn’t know how to respond? Perhaps it’s a relationship with a close friend (or someone you thought was a friend), a spouse, or a fellow employer.

Certainly, all of us have been in situations like this. In fact, any relationship is bound to be difficult at times simply because it’s comprised of two flawed and sinful people. Sometimes a relationship can be so emotionally taxing that you struggle to think clearly.

Let me tell you about a tool that’s been helpful for me in my relationships. I call it an Action Statement. If you take time to create one, I know it will be helpful for your relationships just as it’s been a gamechanger for mine.

What is an Action Statement?

If a person wants to increase their productivity, it’s incredibly helpful to write an action statement detailing what they want to accomplish and the choices they intend to make. Writing things down makes the ideas more concrete simply because you had to attach the ideas to words.

A relational action statement is similar. But instead of writing down your business and productivity goals, you write down your relational goals tied to biblical verses and principles.

How do you create one? Here’s how I created mine:

Think & Write

First, I began thinking through the following question:

What do I find difficult about this relationship?

Here’s the trick, though. You can’t stop at thinking; you have to write it down. Don’t worry, I’m not going to suggest you give this paper to your friend. You can even burn the paper once you’re done. But the act of writing actual words down (instead of just thinking them) will force you to think concretely through the problem instead of just emoting and working yourself up into a frenzy before you reach a resolution.

So take time to think about what it is that bothers you about this individual. Is it the way they speak to you—or maybe the way they don’t talk to you? Take time to be specific about the difficulties. Rather than “I don’t like them.” or “I don’t like the way they looked at me that one time 3 years ago.” try “I feel angry when they make fun of my work.” or “I get impatient because they always make me wait for them.”

Write down whatever you think is making this relationship difficult.

Roles & Renewal

Now think through this question:

What role does this person play in my life?

Are they a fellow employee, employer, spouse, friend, church member, pastor, child, family member, parent, neighbor, or acquaintance? In what ways do you interact with them?

What are my biblical responsibilities to them?

What are your biblical responsibilities to this person? Your response to this question will be different based on the role this person plays in your life. (For example, if you struggle with your spouse, there are specific Bible verses that relate to the husband/wife relationship that won’t apply to either a friend or employee.) Your answers to this question must tie to verses and principles from God’s Word.

God brought several verses to mind immediately as I thought of my relationships. He may bring verses to your mind as you prayerfully consider yours. If not, here are some solid options to get you started:

Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor (Romans 12:9-10).

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit,
but in humility count others more significant than yourselves (Philippians 2:3).

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.
It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).

Commit

Now take a look back at the first question you answered: What do you find difficult about this relationship?
When are you tempted to respond in an ungodly manner around this person?
What does this individual do that makes you annoyed, angered, hurt, or confused?

Think through these questions and answer them in light of the verses you just wrote down. Then write down what you want your actions to be toward this person. Here’s an example from the statement I wrote. You can fill in the blanks as it applies to your situation:

I have a difficult time responding to ________ when she/he ____________.
My natural inclination is to _____________________.
Based on God’s Word, I know the Lord wants me to __________________ during these times…
not because it will make this individual _____________—because I can’t hinge my actions on a hopeful reaction.
But because that’s how Jesus wants me to love, regardless of someone’s response towards me.

Finally, ask God to embed these truths deep in your heart. Ask him to renew your mind as you think about your relationships, so that you will pursue God’s way instead of your desires. The next time you interact with this individual, remember your action statement and allow the truth of God’s Word to guide your thoughts. Instead of being at the mercy of your current emotions, God can use the verses you’ve written and prayed over to instruct your responses.

Taking time to think through relationships biblically does not guarantee you will never have future struggles in your relationships. But it has proved to be helpful as I seek to honor the Lord in my thoughts and responses toward others. I trust this tool will be helpful as you endeavor to love others and honor Christ.

Related: You Can’t Please Them