this is part 2 of this story.
you’ll find part 1 here.

When we arrived at the hospital room, one of the first things the nurse did was to listen to baby girl’s heartbeat. To our delight, it was strong. She strapped a device on me to monitor contractions, though at this point they were not nearly as strong as they had been at home. The doctor on call was notified and I was so happy to hear that the OB I’ve had for over 5 years was on call that weekend. Before she arrived, I had several large gushes of fluid – so much fluid came out that my nurse said she didn’t think they needed to do the test to determine whether or not it was amniotic fluid leaking.

When my doctor arrived, she looked at my baby and fluid level via ultrasound. Baby girl looked great, and shockingly so did my fluid level. Because I still had a good amount of fluid surrounding baby, she wanted to do an amnisure test to see if it truly was amniotic fluid leaking.

While Jonathan and I waited for the results of the test, I had a couple more large gushes of fluid. I told him I would love to think my water hadn’t broken and baby was safe, but couldn’t imagine what else all this fluid could be.

My doctor came back and confirmed that the amnisure test was positive – my water had broken. “You have three options. You can expedite delivery, you can go home now, or you can spend the night and leave in the morning.”

Hold up, what? Jonathan and I glanced at each other.

I asked my doctor if anything would be done to save the baby if we expedited delivery. She said no. “So I can either expedite delivery and be positive my baby will die or I can wait to see if she stays in the womb a little longer?”

My doctor confirmed that those were my options. But she stressed that if I didn’t expedite delivery, there was a risk of infection which could result in a hysterectomy for me or cerebral palsy for my baby.

Praise God for the wisdom He gives. Based on the ultrasound that had been done in the last hour, we knew – and our doctor knew – that the baby girl inside me was strong and healthy. There were zero signs that she was in distress. Despite the potential of infection and any number of outcomes that could have, we couldn’t make a decision based on what might happen, but based on what we knew was true.

What was true?
God had given us this baby. And whether we have her for 20 more minutes or 20 more years, we have the responsibility to protect her. Since were no signs of distress, we could not in good conscience expedite a delivery that would result in certain death, despite my doctor’s encouragement to do so. Because I was still leaking at that point, we decided it was best to spend the night in the hospital to keep a close monitor on both the baby and me.

My doctor told me that I would go home until I was 23 weeks along, at which point I would be hospitalized and on bedrest until baby was born. They immediately started me on 2 antibiotics to ward off infection.

When Jonathan and I were alone in the room, we cried and prayed together. We were so scared. Scared for our baby. Scared because it looked like we would lose her that day. I was so glad to have him with me as the only prayer I could pray was, “Jesus, help.”

I spent the night in the hospital, being monitored often and always delighted to hear baby girl’s heartbeat. A few months ago, I heard a song for the first time that stopped me where I was and forced me to pray and worship God. I sang it over and over, knowing that it wasn’t my heart and asking God to make it true about me. The night I was in the hospital, I prayed and cried it out to God again:

“Shall I take from Your hand Your blessings
Yet not welcome any pain?
Shall I thank You for days of sunshine
Yet grumble in days of rain?
Shall I love You in times of plenty
Then leave You in days of drought?
Shall I trust when I reap a harvest
But when winter winds blow, then doubt?

Oh let Your will be done in me
In Your love I will abide.
Oh I long for nothing else as long
As You are glorified

Are You good only when I prosper
And true only when I’m filled?
Are You King only when I’m carefree
And God only when I’m well?
You are good when I’m poor and needy.
You are true when I’m parched and dry.
You still reign in the deepest valley.
You’re still God in the darkest night.

So quiet my restless heart in You.”

The truth that speaks so deeply through this text is that God is the same in all of life’s circumstances. His character is not lessened during my hardship. He isn’t only good when I experience good. He isn’t only in control when my circumstances appear to be controlled. How I want a faith that desperately clings to truths about my God even when my emotions and circumstances seem to scream out the lie that He doesn’t love me and isn’t in control. He is my good, true, reigning King through it all.

[find part 3 here.]