One year ago today, I experienced one of the biggest scares in my life when my water broke at just 20 weeks pregnant. The struggle was compounded when my doctor encouraged my husband and I to expedite the pregnancy (resulting in our baby’s death) in light of the possible complications that could arise. In light of the facts we knew about my amniotic fluid level and the healthy state of the baby in my womb, we opted to continue the pregnancy for as long as God sustained our baby’s life.
My sweet friends, this is what we would have missed out on had we let our fears overtake our faith:
I’ve spent much time in reflection this past week, considering the experience God gifted us with when He allowed my water to break, me to be on two weeks of bedrest, and then to hear the rather unbelievable words that my amniotic sac had resealed. I can’t even type these words out without crying. There are so many things that God did during this time in my life. Here are a few of my favorites:
>>To be needy is to be human. But to refuse to acknowledge my neediness is pride.<<
I was on bedrest for 2 weeks with three children ages 2, 4, and 6. I hate to be the needy one. I really, really hate it. I’d much rather be the one helping someone else than the one sitting on the couch unable to fill my own water bottle. That’s not because I’m a hard worker; it’s really just because I’m proud. But God used this time to force me to not only be needy, but to let everyone else know about my needs. Talk about a great opportunity to learn humility.
I look back at this season of my life with a deep sense of God’s love being generously poured out on us through others. We had so many physical needs; God met them through the people around us. Friends came over to play with my kids, make meals, clean our home, and babysit during extra doctor appointments. Our church family brought food, special gifts, flowers, and upheld us with prayer and encouragement. Even my social media community was incredibly caring. God used this time to teach me that we are all both needy and needed. It’s a lesson I have drawn from many times over the past year.
>>”Date night” is most important when it seems most impossible.<<
The person who served me the most during this time was my husband. Whereas I used to be the main one “running the home” in terms of cooking, cleaning, child loving/wrangling/discipling, and the constant working and puttering around the home, now Jonathan was in charge of it all . . . on top of his duties at church and PhD studies. I felt terrible because there was really very little I could do to physically help. It was incredibly overwhelming for both of us. There were times after our kids were in bed when we would just sit together and cry because of the present burdens and the many unknowns of the future. There were so many tasks for him to do and so many new things for us to talk about that the stress began to take a toll on our marriage.
One night after our kids were in bed, I pulled up a favorite love song on my phone and played it when Jonathan came out. We held each other, cried, and had a good time of talking about each other and how we were doing. Although it didn’t resemble a typical date night, it was perfect for our season. Taking time to do something special in your marriage is most important when it seems most impossible.
>>He taught me about faith.<<
This is the biggest thing God did for me during this season. If you’re just reading this story for the first time, it may not seem like a big deal for me to trust God because you know the end of the story – my baby lived. But I didn’t know that. When I was confronted with the reality that my baby was likely going to die, that is when God required an answer from me. “Christa, are you going to trust me with this? Are you going to have faith in my goodness now? Or will you only believe I’m good if I allow your baby to live?” And all alone in the hospital that night, I cried out to God and told Him, “I believe; help my unbelief.” (mark 9) It was a prayer I would pray many times during the next 5 months.
God taught me that faith is not faith if I understand. It’s not faith if I can see the end result. Faith is believing when you can’t see the end and you don’t know the result. Faith is trusting that although this situation looks horrible, God says He is good and in control, so I’m going to believe that instead of my screaming emotions.
Faith is trusting that although this situation looks horrible,
God says He is good and in control,
so I’m going to believe that instead of my screaming emotions.
When I think back to this season of my life, my soul is quieted. I remember the roller coaster of emotions and fears. The way people served, prayed for, and cried with us. The way God strengthened Jonathan and my relationship with each other.
But mostly I look back at that time and remember God carrying me. My relationship with God was only strengthened through this season. My faith in Him grew and deepened. And I’m so thankful that God gave me the opportunity to trust Him and live out my faith before I knew my baby would live.
All praise to the One Who knows the end from the beginning and has the kindness to carry us through it all. Precious Jesus.
“I’m so glad I learned to trust Him,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend,
And I know that He is with me,
He’ll be with me to the end.
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him,
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er,
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus,
O for grace to trust Him more.”
– Louisa Stead
For more details of this story, see the posts below:
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